Monday, July 27, 2015

When Baby Makes 6...And That's What You Had Planned

As many people know, recently, videos emerged on the Internet showing Planned Parenthood doctors discussing the sale of aborted baby organs and body parts over casual meals.  They call this 'fetal tissue' and say it is for 'scientific research' and there may be disputes over just how much money is being made (or not made) over these 'transactions', but no one is disputing that they happen.  Babies, some well into their second trimester of development, are being aborted out of the mothers who are sustaining their lives and then subsequently have vital organs cut out of their tiny bodies and sold to researchers.  This is horrifying and heartbreaking to me, but the horror especially resonates with me right now because the day before Father's Day, we very (very) unexpectedly found out I am pregnant (due date is February 26, 2 years to the day we came back to the United States from China with Josiah).  While amazing, this was a very overwhelming moment for me.  I cried for two days.  The fact that we already have a 3, 4, and 5 year old in the house is a constant reminder of just how much children ask you to give-everything!  And it is really, really hard.  My Father's Day began with throwing up in the shower, just the beginning of weeks and weeks and weeks of miserable and severe pregnancy sickness.  And it is really, really hard.  But, as I listened and read about these babies' lives ending, on purpose, before they barely had a chance to begin, I am reminded that God is the Authority on life, not me.  He is the One who knit these lives in their mother's wombs (Psalm 139) and made those heartbeats start (our baby's heart started to beat just 2 or 3 days after I found out I was pregnant) and no organization or doctor or mother is the ultimate authority on taking another's life.  It only took about 14 hours after I found out I was pregnant to start getting sick-because a true life was already there, taking and taking from me so she or he could continue living.

Like the title of this post states, we did not plan on having another baby (we were open to adopting an older child in the future, but did not plan on starting all the way from the beginning again!).  In fact, I felt like shouting from the roof tops when Josiah turned 3 that we were finished with the baby and toddler stage!  I love my children, but the pregnancy/infant/toddler stage is very difficult for me.  Anyone who truly knows me, knows I have never been good or natural with young children!  I am reading a book right now called The Color of Grace by Bethany Haley Williams in which she talks about the amazing therapy and rehabilitative care she and her organization Exile International are giving to former children of war in Africa.  She is doing the exact thing I set out to do when I decided to get extra schooling for my counseling masters 8 years ago.  But, a baby puts most plans I would have in moving towards that calling on hold.  (Side note:  her organization is doing amazing things to help former children of war and I recommend checking out her website to see how you can be involved:  www.exileinternational.org).  Nonetheless, like I said earlier, God is the ultimate Authority on life.  He is the Author of life and if He has given us this child as a gift, for however long He has the days of our child to be, then I trust He will give us strength and wisdom for this calling.  In her book, Williams quotes Mother Theresa as saying, "I never look at the masses as my responsibility.  I look at the individual.  I can love only one person at a time.  I can feed only one person at a time.  One.  One.  One."  As I read those words, thousands of miles away from the life saving work she did in India and from these amazing surviving and courageous children in Africa, it encouraged my heart to know that loving this baby is my responsibility.  To speak up for him or her.  But what about the babies who have no one to speak up for them?  I hope our baby's heartbeat speaks for them too.  I hope that even now, God's different plan for our family than we had will speak life and light into this world.  Please consider the truth that no one needs that beating heart more than the baby in which it resides, just like the heart I beautifully saw beating today on our baby's 9 week ultrasound.


Friends, if you are pregnant and contemplating having an abortion (or know someone who is), please contact your local pregnancy care center (we have CareNet here in Frederick, MD) or me or a trusted friend.  Every day I am grateful that our precious, rambunctious, mischievous little boy Josiah's birth mother chose life for him.  If you have had an abortion and struggle with that decision, I hope these words do not feel condemning to you.  I hope and pray that you know that there is hope, redemption, and healing found at the foot of the cross of Jesus Christ.




Josiah is wearing Isaac's 'gege' shirt.  'Gege' means 'big brother' in Chinese. :)  What a blessing that this little boy gets to be a little brother and a big brother!

Okay, so I know ultrasounds can be hard to decipher, but that is our littlest one in the middle of the oval.  His/her head is to the right.  The baby is looking right at the camera (did not pick up this skill from his/her big sister!) and his/her body is to the left, with arms out at the sides.  It never gets old seeing and hearing that little, precious heartbeat.  Amazing. 



Monday, April 13, 2015

Let Me Be Singing When the Evening Comes

One of my favorite parts of any day when I am driving in the car with my kids is when we sing Matt Redman's '10,000 Reasons (Bless the Lord)' together.  The days when everyone sings and no one is complaining or whining or talking over the song sometimes take my breath away.  "Bless the Lord, O my soul...worship His holy name.  Sing like never before, O my soul, worship Your holy name.  The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning, it's time to sing Your song again, whatever may pass and whatever lies before me, let me be singing when the evening comes..."  Sometimes after a really, really hard day, I especially think of the line 'let me be singing when the evening comes.'  Last night, I was walking Josiah home from church (I use the term 'walking' loosely...mostly because he was 'toddlering' me most of the walk home.  If you have a toddler, you know what I mean.  You know, making his body like dead weight and then laying down in the middle of the sidewalk instead of actually walking) and I started singing this song.  I think some of the people I passed on the way thought I was crazy, but I know God was walking with us.  He saw me struggling to walk the several blocks from church to our house and never once did He say the things I sometimes say to myself in moments like these.  He didn't tell me I was a terrible mother or that I was messing everything up.  He didn't become angry, like I often do in moments like these.  He saw us and He walked with us.

Through many of the trials of motherhood the past 5 1/2 years, I have asked God if He sees me.  If He sees me struggling and barely holding on and questioning Him entrusting me with my three children.  But, in the midst of praising Him, He reminded me that He is indeed always with me.  Sometimes that is the greatest encouragement we can remember as parents.  We are not alone.  On our walk home last night, Josiah was upset because I wouldn't let him walk with his bare feet on a part of the sidewalk that was covered with broken glass.  I carried him over it.  I protected him because I could see the big picture that he didn't understand.  And that is what God has done for me on this journey of motherhood, even in the moments I have tried to 'toddler' Him!

On Easter Sunday, Ricky had the privilege of baptizing Isaac.  This was a beautiful moment as Isaac made an outward profession of faith in Christ that he first made inwardly in his heart in our kitchen.  Isaac and I have had our struggles along the way too.  There were times and books and people who seemed to point me to the truth that I was indeed messing everything up.  But, take heart, God's Spirit is much bigger than our mistakes and He is working!  As we have told Isaac about God's love for him demonstrated in the truth that 'while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us' and that Christ defeated death on the 3rd day, God's Spirit has worked to implant that truth in his heart.  It was never up to us.  Every day has been about God's grace and mercy towards us and He has been merciful to reach Isaac's heart.

These two examples may seem worlds apart, but my greater hope in thinking through these events is to encourage those who are struggling today.  I wish I had all the answers for the moment by moment struggles of parenthood or singlehood or whatever struggle you find yourself in the midst of today, but I know God walks with His children.  I know you are not alone.  I know He sees you and that He loves you.  I know He is worthy of our praise and I hope that no matter what passes, we will stand together 'singing when the evening comes.'


Josiah's sweet smile on the other side of the struggle.

Ricky and Isaac preparing for Isaac's baptism.

Emma and I have had our fair share of power struggles too, but I want to note some sweet moments from her encouraging heart.  Sometimes she will tell me, 'you're beautiful, Mommy' or 'you are a beautiful Queen' or 'you're a precious treasure, too' and I don't want to let those moments pass from memory because sometimes it is easier to remember the discouragements.  It is important to carry these moments of encouragement in our hearts.



Tuesday, February 17, 2015

One Year into Forever!

Last year on this day, we first held our beautiful, precious, courageous, curious, adventurous, mischievous, amazing gift of a son Josiah in our arms the Civil Affairs Office in Zhengzhou, China in the Henan Province.  It feels like a big deal to be standing on this side of a year...a year filled with ups and downs and joy and sorrow.  But, the important thing is that we are standing...one year into forever as Josiah's forever family.

Right after the new year, I wrote a journal entry on Philippians 4:8 about Josiah.  For years, I have been writing out Philippians 4:8 as a way to process and praise different chapters of my life, so it seems fitting to share it now on this one year anniversary...

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things"  (Philippians 4:8).

True:  God created Josiah to be our son.  God is Sovereign and this was His good plan for our family.
Noble:  Answering this call to adopt, even knowing it would be beyond difficult to live out.
Right:  Christians answering the Biblical and global call for the orphan, no matter the cost.
Pure:  Josiah's precious life, knit by His Creator, in his birth mother's womb-fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139).
Lovely:  Josiah's smile, the way he loves life, his bravery, his courage to build trust, the way he loves being part of our family.
Admirable:  Persevering.  "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus"  (Philippians 3:14).
Excellent:  "God places the lonely in families"  (Psalm 68:6).  Not in perfect families, but in messed up, barely holding on families, yet He is near and in this we are called to rejoice.
Praiseworthy:  God's character:  He is Able, Beautiful, Caring, Defender, Everlasting, Faithful, Good, Holy, Infinite, Just, Kind, Love, Majestic, Noble, Omnipresent, Powerful, Quintessential, Redeemer, Savior, True, Ultimate, Victor, Warrior, eXcellent, Yahweh, and Zealous.

In honor of Josiah's first year as part of our family, would you pray for the world's orphans today?  Would you ask God how He specifically has for you to answer the call to love them?  I remember Josiah clinging to us as we visited his orphanage the day after he joined our family.  He already knew the gift of family and didn't want to turn back, but there were many other children who stayed behind as we drove away.  Please consider praying for them today, even as we rejoice in our very own party of 5.  And a special thank you to each of you who support us and prayed for us and helped make Josiah ours!

                                       Celebrating 1 Year with our Precious Son!..







In other wonderful news!..Isaac prayed to receive Christ into his heart as his Lord and Savior this morning at breakfast!  February 17th is truly a special date for our family!!! :)


Friday, January 30, 2015

Overcoming the World's Orphan Crisis With Good

When Josiah was born, his left leg was filled with fluid from his hip to his knee.  Whatever doctor examined him at his orphanage in China diagnosed him with something called 'Cystic Lymphangioma' which is a vascular malformation that led to the build-up of fluid in his leg.  Sometime between the time he was 3 months old and 15 months old, a crude surgery was performed in China to remove the fluid, but his leg was stitched too tightly and too crudely and thus, after we had him examined here, it was determined that another surgery was needed or his leg might not be able to grow properly.  This was the surgery he had 2 days ago at John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore.  (The surgery went very well.  Another smaller procedure will be needed in the Fall).

As I sat in the waiting room during Josiah's surgery, I was praying and reading Scripture.  In Romans 12, I was reminded to 'Abhor what is evil, cling to what is good' (v.9) and to 'overcome evil by doing good' (v.21).  And I thought about the millions and millions and millions of orphans around the world whose medical needs dwarf Josiah's and how they have no services, no parents, and often, seemingly no hope.  I also continued reading a book called 'Fierce Convictions' about a woman named Hannah More who lived in Britain in the 18th and 19th centuries.  You have probably never heard of her (I hadn't before stumbling across this book).  Along with her much more famous counterparts William Wilberforce and John Newton, she helped abolish the slave trade in Britain during her lifetime.  I thought about how Hannah More, a famous writer in her time, appealed to the masses about the horrors of slavery and how Britain must end it and how her appeal was based on the love of Christ and the great worth of all God's creation.  Then I thought even more about the millions and millions and millions of orphans and vulnerable children around the world who are waiting for Christians to rise up and to 'abhor what is evil, cling to what is good' and to 'overcome evil by doing good'.  So, while I know this blog will reach far, far fewer than Hannah More, William Wilberforce, and John Newton (in case you are not sure who he is, he wrote the hymn 'Amazing Grace' and you have probably heard of that!) ever reached, I wanted to take these few moments since returning home from the hospital with our recovering little boy to appeal to you on the basis of love to ask God what specifically He has for you to reach the orphans of the world...to love them with the love of Christ and wait for His answer, His answer that allows you to be part of the hope for these millions of children in desperate need.

Please feel free to contact me if you are interested in resources of just how to go about discerning the specifics in this calling, whether it is the road to adoption or the road to foster care or the road to financially supporting ministries in countries around the world who are serving children that will likely never be adopted or in simply serving adoptive families right where you are living and very importantly, praying fervently for God's provision for these precious lives.

Josiah's surgery allowed me to learn more about him too.  I learned more about just how determined and brave and adaptable and joyful he is.  As soon as he was unhooked from his IV, he was down on the floor trying to destroy the place in the spunky way that only he can.  He loves life.  And God has graciously given us the gift of being part of his story to help him reach his potential-physically, mentally, and spiritually.  Josiah and I walked hand in hand out of the hospital while he said 'ooooooooooo!', 'ooooooooooooo!', 'oooooooooooooooo!' about the huge fishes and ostrich that decorate the children's area of the hospital.  He will not be defeated by any circumstance and some of his circumstances have been heartbreakingly sad.  Even in the midst of many challenges in the almost year since he became ours, I prayed to God as we walked to the car to help me appreciate and celebrate who Josiah is.  He is not compliant or easy or quiet or calm.  He is willful and difficult and loud and rambunctious.  He is also amazing and beautiful and smart and hilarious.  And, graciously, he is ours.

Will you join me in overcoming the world's orphan crisis with good?

Before surgery...smiling away...our brave little trooper!..
After...sipping on some apple juice.
Recovering well...
 Foosball time in Hospital Playroom!
Home Sweet Home!


Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Top 10 of 2014 (Starring our Children)!

This year has been really, really, really hard.  Most days I feel like I am just barely, barely, barely holding on.  Many of my prayers sound something like this, 'God, please HELP!  Please intervene for me!  I NEED YOU!'.  But, as 2014 draws to a close, I will close with remembering the sweet, funny, blessed moments my children and I have spent together by making a special Top 10 list!

So, here you have our 'Top 10 Funny/Sweet Moments Starring Our Children of 2014'...

10. Emma to me:  'Does babies come out of the top of they mommies' heads?'
9.  Isaac and Emma's nonsensical knock-knock jokes that all go something like this:
     I&E:  Knock, Knock!  Me:  Who's there?  I&E:  Refrigerator.  Me:  Refrigerator who?
     I&E:  OVEN!  All kids:  HAHAHAHAHAHA!
8.  Josiah's attempt at his own knock-knock joke:  Josiah:  Knock-knock!  Me:  Who's there?
     Josiah:  Knock-knock!  Me:  Knock-knock who?  Josiah:  Knock-knock!  All kids: HAHAHAHA!
7.  Isaac's very lengthy conversations about anything having to do with Transformers Rescue Bots or      Super Hero Squad (and him singing the theme songs with some interesting song interpretations...
     just like his mama!).  HERO UP!  (You can also often hear Emma in the background saying,
     'But, I want to watch Doc McStuffins!')
6.  Isaac's response after realizing he was using a Baltimore Ravens blanket at our friends' house:  
     'Ewwww!  This is a Ravens blanket!' (Then throwing it down).  (This one, of course, made his
     mama proud!)  WHO-DEY!  Bonus sports memory:  driving 3 and a half hours one way to make
     sure Josiah got to his first Cincinnati Reds baseball game this year (in Pittsburgh).
5.  Emma telling just about everyone that 'we went all the way to China on an airplane to get our
     little 'brotha' named Josiah.  She also likes to say 'Ni Hao!' (hello in Chinese) to everyone who
     passes by our fence.  (After all, her blonde hair and blue eyes did make her a celebrity in China!)
4.  Josiah's pure joy in shouting 'Choo-choo!' anytime he sees anything that has anything to do with
     a train.  Bonus from the holidays:  'if i just have to dress up and hold out a bag for people to give
     me candy..sign me up!'  'if i just have to walk up to a big, white-bearded man in a red suit to get
     presents...sign me up!'  'if you want me to go on stage at church for holiday performances, i am
     going to dance my little heart out!'
3.  All the kids standing up and dancing to 'The Hot Dog Dance' at the end of Mickey Mouse
     Clubhouse.
2.  Isaac and Emma running into another room and then running back out and yelling, 'SURPRISE!'
     every single time Ricky comes home from work.
1.  Emma crying while I read her the book 'The Story of Ping' the day before we finally held Josiah
     in our arms in China.  She was upset that the duck Ping had been separated from his family and
    she cried out 'Ping needs to be with his family!'  And then sweetly, the next day, God placed our
    very own sweet duckling Josiah into our forever family!

May you and yours have a blessed 2015 filled with sweet moments in the midst of the challenging ones!


Choo-Choo!


Heatwave, Doc McStuffins, and Thomas are in!


Go Reds!


Party of 5!





Saturday, December 20, 2014

Show Hope this Season!

Last night, Ricky volunteered for Show Hope at Andrew Peterson's Christmas Concert.  For anyone who doesn't know, Show Hope is Christian recording artist Steven Curtis Chapman's Adoption Grant and Orphan Care Organization and Andrew Peterson is one of Ricky's favorite recording artists and his Christmas Concert is one of Ricky's favorite shows (win-win all around!).  Show Hope gave us a significant grant to help bring Josiah home, so it is a wonderful privilege to us to volunteer for them.

However, earlier in the week, Ricky offered to not go.  You see, the past couple of weeks have been really, really hard.  We are in the midst of a battle for our little girl's heart.  She has been struggling with fears and control and it has been really, really hard (but her precious heart is worth fighting for and I think we are making some progress!).  I have been exhausted and sick.  But, I knew Ricky needed to go.  As Isaac, Emma, Josiah, and I sat at the dinner table last night, Isaac turned to me and said, "I'm glad daddy isn't here because he is out helping other kids get adopted."  This was a holy moment to me.  Amazing.  I'm so grateful.  From the moment we brought Josiah into our hotel room in Zhengzhou, China to meet his big brother and sister, Isaac struggled.  It was hard for him to process that he was worth just as much to us in that moment as he was in the short period of time that he was our only child and then our only boy.  And he really struggled through that for months and months.  He started really making progress at about the 6 month mark in accepting that he means just as much to us now as he did before Josiah entered our family and took his place as the only boy away.

So, after a particularly difficult 2 weeks, in addition to 10 months filled with particularly difficult days, the moment Isaac put himself aside and was glad his dad wasn't home (he would prefer his dad to be with him 24 hours a day!) for the good of orphans around the world was a sacred moment for me.  Of course, the moment lasted less than a second because right after Isaac uttered those beautiful words, Josiah started spitting chicken out on the table, but it was sacred moment nonetheless and that is how real life usually works anyway.  Well, at least real life as a mom to young children.  That is why I am writing this down-to store that moment in my heart.  I do not want to continue to allow joy to be stolen by the hard moments or disappointments or exhaustion.  Emma also took a moment after I was finished cleaning up the chicken to agree with Isaac, so that was a sweet moment too!

This morning, we celebrated our family Christmas together.  We sang 'Hark the Herald Angels Sing' and Ricky read the Christmas story from Luke 2.  Josiah is celebrating his first Christmas.  He is riding around on his new Thomas the Tank Engine toy (choo-choo!).  His stocking was filled with goodies and unlike last Christmas, he is here to pull them out and say 'Open! Open!'.  While all the kids spent time trying to take the others' new toys and it has not all been peace, Josiah is here and our family is together and I can think of no better way for us to show hope this season.

Merry Christmas from all of us!

"For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a Savior, which is Christ the Lord"  (Luke 2:11).

  Our Christmas Card photo is front of our 'Family Tree' in the front yard.  We took a picture in front
of this tree for our China Dossier (paperwork) holding a branch as a symbol that we were waiting for Josiah to fill that branch and now here he is! 
'Peace on earth and mercy mild, God and sinner reconciled.  Joyful all ye nations rise, join the triumph of the skies, with angelic host proclaim, Christ is born in Bethlehem!  Hark the Herald Angels sing, Glory to the newborn King!' (Hark the Herald Angels Sing).


If you would like to learn more about how to give to Show Hope and help serve orphans and families around the world, visit their website here:  www.showhope.org  

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Mine!

Some moments upon moments in this season have been so, so hard.  In the midst of days when the '4 D's' (Demands, Defiance, Disobedience, and Disrespect) have been unending and navigating the waters of the terrible 2s mixed with the extra control and trust issues Josiah is likely dealing with in his quest for independence as a 2 year old when his trust needs were far from met in his orphanage as a 1 year old (and answers in books about how to deal with this feel empty), and when family is hundreds of miles away and when I feel the waves of inadequacy crashing around me, I want to step back and remember the moments I experience the sacredness of what God has done and how He has worked.

Like many 2 year olds, one of Josiah's favorite words is 'Mine!'.  He says it about his toys, his brother's Halloween candy, and his sister's shoes.  But the other day, as I took him in to brush his teeth before bed, he gently placed his hand on me and said 'Mine.'  Yes, Josiah, I am yours.  I am your mama.  For better or for worse, forever.  It was a sacred moment.

Last Sunday, was Orphan Sunday (to learn more about Orphan Sunday, visit their website at:  www.orphansunday.org), and we showed the official Orphan Sunday video at our church and then I went on stage for a few minutes with Josiah and shared our family's heart for adoption with the congregation.  In the video, people from many walks of life share how they were orphans, but now they belong.  It is impossible for me to watch that video and to not see Josiah standing there sharing how he was an orphan, but now he belongs.  As I walked up to the podium to share about our adoption journey, tears escaped from my eyes as the magnitude of what God has done hit me.  I was standing there, in Frederick, Maryland, in front of our church, with our little boy, who just 9 months ago was in a tiny crib in a room with 17 other cribs, 7000 miles away from his family.  Now he is here, where he belongs.  Anyone who really knows me, knows that crying in front of an audience is just not something I do.  But, I love that the moment hit me.  I love that God reached my heart with what He has done.  It was a sacred moment.

If you are in the midst of the journey and some days just seem unbearable, I pray God will give you glimpses into these sacred moments and that they will encourage you in the midst of the struggle.  I pray for the truth that Jesus gave everything to adopt you into His family will be your strength.  And I pray for your heart to remember that for all eternity, God has placed His hand on His children and says 'Mine!'

Another sacred moment:  Josiah standing in front of the lake where I ran the '15 for 150 Million' Fundraiser in his honor last Fall.